The Christmas season is a time when you will hear the most common phrases like; “Happy holidays” or read greetings such as, ‘Peace, love and joy’ in novelty cards.
It is supposedly the time when most are full of good cheer and look forward to catching up with their loved ones. Research by YouGov, showed that 91% of the British population, Christian and non-Christian celebrate Christmas in some shape or form, and the main reasons for this were spending quality time with friends and family, eating Christmas food, and exchanging gifts or giving to others.
Whilst this is the reason why most really look forward to this time of the year, there are others who approach the end of the year with feelings of despair and sadness for many reasons. For those who have walked or are navigating through the road of infertility, they prepare to answer or even avoid the same questions every year asked from a friend or family member.
“When are you going to have a baby?”
“Are you expecting?”
“When are you going to have another baby?”
In broader terms, with December being the last month of the year, it’s so easy for any person to reflect on their achievements, but also disappointments.
In my case, for three years consecutively it was not getting the BFP (big fat positive) pregnancy test result that I so longed for. Every year as I approached the last quarter, the pressure was immense, and I would start to wish I was the person who was blessed with a miracle pregnancy in time for Christmas.
However, at the end of each year we were met with the complete opposite to that desired wish. The last few months of the first year ended with BFNs after consecutive fertility treatments, and the year after ended in a miscarriage after a successful IVF cycle (we were so close). I felt like I had a bit of a break when we had another successful cycle and celebrated that Christmas heavily pregnant with our son. The year after we celebrated his first Christmas abroad. However, this year brought back the sadness we’ve had in previous years – we buried our baby early this month after suffering an ectopic pregnancy.
They say ‘life goes on’, but it is so hard to cope and manage those tough questions during special occasions and Christmas family gatherings.
Here are some tips and advice that you may find helpful that got us through those difficult and awkward interactions:
DO decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions, because no matter what you do, they will come.
Now I’m careful how I advise within this area because relationship dynamics in every family are different. I am from a relatively traditional family of West African descent and as I age it doesn’t change the fact that I still have to speak to my elders with respect. With that in mind, I’ve learnt to be assertive and address insensitive remarks and questions without causing further malice. For example, going through years of treatment I gained a lot of weight, and when insensitive comments were made about my weight. I’d simply reply by saying,
“I’m currently on medication for a health-related condition”.
Not only did that warrant an apology from the offender, but it also taught them about not making assumptions too quickly.
In summary, it’s about the delivery of how you respond to the comment/question as opposed to being defensive.
DON’T feel that you need to disclose any information that you are not comfortable sharing. Whether it’s the fact that you cannot drink alcohol due to being in the middle of a fertility treatment, or being pregnant, you don’t owe an explanation to the person asking. Simply say you don’t want to drink and keep them guessing!
DON’T Feel bad about not attending family events. You’re going through a painful time, and you need to concentrate on getting through this festive period. In my situation, I started to become really honest and told friends and family that I wasn’t the best company at the time. Sometimes it even helped them to cover up for me if anyone asked about my non-attendance.
DON’T Pretend that there’s nothing wrong and carry on as normal. Share your feelings with those you feel comfortable with who may understand your situation. You’d be surprised what advice and support you actually get when being honest with those you trust.
DO Shed a tear if you need to. It is better to deal with your emotions, rather than bottle everything up. If this is something you find difficult always remember there’s many Christmas films to watch where you can use this as an excuse to cry. Or gently break away from the group and find a quiet room to have a moment before you re- join the party.
REMEMBER As we approach a new decade and new year, it’s easy to say, but try and approach it with new hope and a heart of gratitude. During my years of waiting I had moments of reflecting back on how far I’d come. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope there are past moments you can reflect on to remember that you have come a long way, and there will be happier times.
I hope you have a joyful and peaceful Christmas with your loved ones. x
Thank you so much Vanessa for your brilliant words. You can keep in touch with Vanessa via her instagram account @vanessahaye and her blog, wwwvanessahaye.com/post/count-your-blessings.
