Hello, I am Ella, and I a, 37. I have had 3 rounds of IVF and seem to be hurtling towards 40 with no baby in sight
I just wanted to follow on from an article you published last week from Jemima who said that she hates the term “biological clock” as she feels she is being “time shamed”. This really resonated with me, as I feel that I am constantly under fire from friends and family to hurry up! The constant pressure has made me develop a fear of time and the speed at which it is passing me by.
They all seem to have so much advice for me, none of which is helpful in the slightest. They seem to think that they know better than my clinic and constantly remind me that “you aren’t getting any younger you know!”. I actually had one aunt say to me: “Maybe you should think about adopting, at least that way you are guaranteed motherhood and you won’t be the oldest mother in the playground. I mean, you keep having IVF and it just doesn’t seem right for you”.
As much as I try to ignore the hurtful comments, I still can’t help be affected by them
I have become so horribly aware of the fast passing of time that I think I have developed a real sense of anxiety. I hate the start of each month. In fact I cringe if anyone dares “pinch punch first the month” me – it almost feels like they are saying “pinch punch, yet another month without a baby”. And don’t get me started on new years eve. I find it the most awful night of the year – a year to reflect on everything that didn’t go right – the months that passed with no baby in sight. It is a night that tells you that a whole year has passed, and that you are going to be a whole year older. A night when everyone says “this is going to be your year, we know it”, but deep down they are as unsure as I am if I will ever become a mother.
I am scared that as each year passes, I am losing who I am as a person. I was once fun, I had good friends, we would hang out and have things in common. Now, they are all mummies who never quite know what to do or say to me. To save us all the awkwardness, I tend to make excuses when they invite me round.
I go from feeling so empty and cold at the thought of never becoming a mother, to then panicking that if I do eventually get pregnant, will I be too old? Will I be the oldest mother in the playground?
I want to take a grip and regain some control. I want to ease my body of the fear. I want to enjoy birthdays rather than wanting to avoid them. I want to celebrate with my parents, instead of panicking that they might not ever know their grandchildren. I want to enjoy holidays with my husband rather than thinking it is wasting precious fertility treatment time and money. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited about life rather than being scared.
I want time to stop until I have what I want and so desperately need – to be a mother – NOW. Does anyone feel the same? I would love to hear from your readers. Thank you for letting me speak out.
Do you feel the same as Ella? If you do and you would like to share your thoughts, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org