IVF babble has always been a safe space for you to tell us how you are feeling, and how you are, or aren’t coping with the strain of infertility. Here, Amanda, a reader of IVF babble talks to us about what she needs emotionally as she embarks on her 4th round of IVF
“As a 38 year old woman struggling to conceive, immersed within a community of other women striving for motherhood via assisted reproductive technology, it might sound odd, and actually quite horrible to hear, but I actually don’t like to hear about women who’s IVF worked, unless it’s taken them more than the amount Iv’e had (3 rounds). Instead, I prefer to hear from those who are still struggling.
“It’s not that I am cruel, or wish harm to anyone, it’s just that I am scared of being the only woman left without a chid. I want to know that there are other women who are struggling like me – women who I can talk to and say “Are you terrified too? Are you in a constant state of panic that this might be it? How are you going to cope if this might not ever work?”
“It takes me back to when I was at school, when the netball leaders were choosing their teams. The class would stand in front of the two team leaders, and in turn, they would call out a name to join their team. My name was always the last to be called. We would start the scary selection process all together, arm in arm, united by our common fear of being the last to be chosen. We all so wanted to be picked early on!
“One by one, I watched everyone else get chosen, until finally, I was the only one left.
“This feeling of desperation and loneliness is how I currently feel about the prospect of motherhood. I am constantly watching women from my “infertility team” leave to join the jolly group of mothers, and it hurts. It hurts so much. So you see, it isn’t that I don’t wish them well, it’s just that I am scared of being the last one standing.
“My friends have sent me articles in the past, of women who “like me” have struggled to conceive and have fallen pregnant with the help of IVF. I remember them telling me that it was to inspire hope. This did work up until my third round, but then I just felt bitter and sad – why is it that it was working for them and not for me? Why were they being “chosen for the team” and not me?
“Fear and anxiety go hand in hand with infertility and IVF. Combined, they can make you feel quite out of control. I know my current state of mind is not really me, and I know deep down I want to cuddle those women who went through hell and back to become mothers – but for now, I just need to look after me. I need to protect me, and this means surrounding myself with my other team mates who are yet to be chosen.
“Sending huge love, Amanda.”
If you would like to share anything with us, please do drop us a line to firstname.lastname@example.org. We are here to listen.
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