I don't have a baby but I am preparing her room

I was inspired and comforted last week when I read the story of Danielle, who had bought herself a “Baby on Board” broach and pretended to be pregnant for the morning. I felt better almost straight away as it I too have used the “visualise to materialise” method. ( I am yet to materialise)

I haven’t pretended to be pregnant, but I do tell myself that I am soon to be pregnant and so have started buying things for my baby.

So let me tell you my story. I have low AMH and so far, have had 2 “failed” rounds of IVF. It looks like we will have to go down the donor route so me and my husband are currently having talks with our doctor and are also staring counselling in the next couple of weeks.

My husband has been a bit reluctant about going forwards with a donor. He says he wants “my baby rather than another woman’s baby”. I don’t see it that way. If, no sorry, when we have our baby, it will be our baby – my baby. I keep trying to tell him that but he just doesn’t really want to talk much about it, which is why I have organised counselling for us both.

Part of me thinks that he is trying to protect me – to show me that he loves me – to show me that I am his everything and that he doesn’t want any other woman to come between us. I have told him that I didn’t see it that way. I would be the mother and the donor “mother” would have no part of our child’s life.

Anyway, last month, I decided that my words weren’t enough

I needed to show my husband that using a donor egg is the only way are going to be parents and so it has to happen. Also, our chances of having a baby will massively increase, so there REALLY is a chance that we can be parents before the end of the year. So, one Friday afternoon after a long and emotional week I walked into our spare room and started one hell of a clear out. The wardrobes were full of clothes we never wear and the bed was for friends and family members who sometimes stay over. The room was as far from a nursery as you could get.

The clear out started on Friday afternoon and ended on Sunday morning. It felt absolutely amazing. With each shelf I cleared, I felt as though I was making space for our new baby – in our new baby’s new bedroom. I scrubbed the shelves, opened the windows, and let the fresh air in. It was the beginning of the next chapter.

The following weekend, both me and my husband painted the room – just a fresh white, nothing fancy.

My husband wanted to know why I had gone in to DIY overdrive, and so I said to him “because I need to not lose hope”. That is all I had to say. He kissed my forehead, picked up a roller, and carried on with the walls.

Now that my baby’s room is ready (well, at it’s most basic sense), I have started to buy things to fill it gently – new fluffy towels, a night light, a couple of adorable teddies, two colourful and vibrant pictures that make me smile, and a hanging mobile near the window, that spins gently when the widow is open.

Next week, I am going to buy a couple of little outfits to hang in the wardrobes. I know some people might think that it is too soon, that perhaps I am tempting fate, but this is something that I want to do and it is making me feel happy. I do also think it is helping my husband that I mean business and that nothing is going to stop me from becoming the mother I have to be!!

I would love to hear from anyone who has got things ready for their baby even though they aren’t yet pregnant! I would also love to know if anyone has been able to talk their husband’s round into using a donor egg.

Amy

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