When your treatment comes to an end, without the ending you had dreamed of, how do you move on?
We want to thank Carley, who sent us this very open account of the way she is feeling at the moment. It is so powerful, and incredibly comforting, despite her sadness, for others to hear that they are not alone in their fight to conceive.
We are sure there will be thousands of women and men who understand exactly how Carley is feeling right now, and so to everyone who is feeling the strain, we send you our love.
This is Carley
After our 3rd and final unsuccessful round of IVF, life had to move on. To where or how I don’t know. But it does. I know I want to do something different with my life if I’m not going to be a mummy, but what??? The life I am living now – before coronavirus took over, is not one I want to go back to. That life was meant to have children in it, to try and continue to live that life is never going to work. But what else do I want to do? I honestly do not know.
Finding a different life
The gaping hole that was meant to be filled with a baby to make us become a family will always remain in that life because the baby is not going to come. So therefore I need to find a different life, a life where I feel I am good enough, I’m doing something I can be proud of and the people in my life can be proud of me.
Right now I feel like I’m just existing and i’m trapped, we’re not living. I work full time, to still have no money and no real life.
The grief following failure
A break was very much needed; our 3rd cycle had failed and my head was a mess and my entire being was lost. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I went from crying one minute to so angry the next I didn’t know what to do with myself.
You see the problem with working in a very female orientated industry as I do, is that there are pregnant people everywhere and it just so happened that my boss was expecting her second baby at the same time I was going through my final cycle. Added to that was the fact that not everyone knew my situation, so the constant questions, and “isn’t it lovely and exciting”, were just adding to the mass of emotions inside me.
Other people’s pregnancy announcements
Infertility brings out the worst in you – you don’t want other people to be going through it but at the same time every pregnancy announcement you have to endure is like a kick in the uterus – the empty useless part of your body that doesn’t fully do what it’s supposed to do, but reminds you it’s there without fail every month!!
Then came coronavirus, and for all those women who are cursing, having to stay at home and home school their children, I want to shake and scream, that they should think themselves lucky they have children in the first place. I’m sure it’s not easy but not having them at all……?! I know what I’d choose.
Quality time with my fiancé
Lockdown has however has given me a chance to have some time and space at home with my lovely fiancé. We’ve been for long walks, we’ve eaten endless baking that I have done and I’ve gotten so fat, that I am now wearing his shorts, as I can’t fit into mine, and even those are a bit tight!
My sleeping had just gotten better – I was sleeping deeply all night and waking up feeling refreshed and ready for another day. I hadn’t yet confronted what ‘no more treatment’ meant, but i was getting to the point where I was feeling strong enough to maybe do so.
But then came another pregnancy announcement and it’s all come crashing down.
Thank you Carly for sharing your story. We send you so much love and strength.
If you would like to share you story, do get in touch: firstname.lastname@example.org
If you are also struggling to cope, and are finding it difficult to come to terms with ending your treatment, please do get in touch with us and we can find you the support that you need.