By Jodie Nicholson, Author of IVF(E) GOT THIS!
TTC is stressful and emotional even when there are no fertility issues.
TTC WITH fertility issues is an absolute emotional rollercoaster.
TTC WITH fertility issues when your partner already has a child is a tormenting emotional rollercoaster, full of twists and turns that fill your tummy with that dreaded knot and make you feel sick.
Steve always tried to comfort me, he’d say, “We’ll get there babe” “Don’t worry”
With every one of his well-intended comments, a feeling overcame me of such overwhelming unfairness. I wanted to scream at him, punch him, slap him, all whilst thinking “Easy for you to say, you already have your baby”.
Could I really resent my husband for already being a parent? Was I truly capable of such poisonous envy?
I felt incredibly guilty for begrudging Steve such happiness, the fact he already had what we wanted together made me so jealous and irrational that I couldn’t accept the genuine support he tried to offer me. I couldn’t believe that he fully understood my pain. I appreciate he too was TTC, but I felt his needs were not as desperate as mine (as if it was some sort of competition). Steve’s comfort and support only added to my guilt. How could he be so kind to me when I was being so unfair to him?
I have an amazing relationship with Steve’s daughter, which again, only fed the green monster lurking within me
The financial aspect was a huge burden on us but I never blamed Steve for that.
Our local CCG offers 3 funded rounds of IVF however as Steve was already a parent we were declined funding. Our CCG seemed to think that being a step-parent twice a week is equivalent to that of a full-time mother, lets also not forget the fact that I’ve never been pregnant or carried a child, yet my needs are less deserving than that of a women in the same position as me, but the relationship dynamics with our spouses’ is what separates our entitlement.
So why couldn’t I get past THIS resentment?
The truth was, it wasn’t Steve I resented at all, it was myself.
Initially, it seemed obvious to blame Steve’s parenthood for my negative emotional disconnect but when I really thought about it, it was me that I hated.
I couldn’t give us what we both desired, I was the reason we had to go through self-funded IVF, I had failed as a woman and a wife.
Although a painful realisation, I was so thankful that my poison was not intentionally directed at Steve, it was comforting to know, however much I loathed myself, I wasn’t capable of such hate towards someone else.
The understanding also meant I could work towards healing. I needed to learn to accept my infertility and with that, learn to be kinder to myself.
I must admit, I still haven’t fully accepted my infertility
I still feel as if my body has failed me but I have developed tools to allow me to appreciate myself as a person, my soul rather than my physical failings.
Now you may be thinking, why is she telling us these things?
With 1 in 7 couples struggling with fertility, I am certain there will be so many others (men and women) in the same position I was. Questioning whether what they feel is normal, loathing themselves for what they think is an irrational reaction.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Be honest with your partners, be honest with yourselves.
Do Jodie’s words resonate with you? Drop us a line and let us know how you are feeling, at email@example.com.
You can keep in touch with Jodie by following her on Instagram @JodieNicholsonAuthor.
You can read more from Jodie here