I am hopeful that after years of heartbreak this could be my time

When you’re a little girl, its a given that when you grow up, you will have the job you want, the partner you want, and together you will create the family you want

As a teenager, this is still true, but added in are the warnings about ‘getting caught out’ and finding yourself with a child before you are old enough to cope or ready.

Something that was never discussed and never once occurred to me as an option was that when I got the job, the partner and the house, that having children wouldn’t just happen when i chose.

Now obviousl I understand why our mothers don’t discuss the chance of infertility with us ( not the best bedtime story) but I cant help feeling that I was grossly unprepared for this to be the truth of my life.

I first fell pregnant (sort of by accident, although I’ve always wanted a child) at 21. After an hour or 2 of stunned silence, i was overjoyed at my news. I spent the next 8 weeks walking on air, telling complete strangers about my good fortune, and generally feeling very pleased with myself.

I awoke on my 12 week scan day feeling more excited than I ever have. As the cold jelly was placed on my stomach and the wand started moving, I had not one fearful thought.

That was until the sonographer left the room to fetch a doctor

I was then told that my baby had died inside me, 5 weeks earlier. I felt a huge sense of failure and devastation, but was also confident that I could try again and it would be find next time.

Over the next few years, I fell pregnant 4 more times, all with the same devastating outcome. After this I was referred to a recurrent miscarriage clinic. I was feeling good, finally, I would have some answers!!

I was diagnosed with a septate uterus and told that it was easily operated on and the surgery would likely have a positive affect on my ability to carry a child

Sign me up!! I said and had the surgery.

It went well and I decided to give my body 6 months to heal before trying again. I spent those months in a fit of excitement just waiting to be carrying my rainbow baby. What I did not expect was that I would just stop getting pregnant. I mean that part was never the issue, however I then went through 4 bfp free years.

I was referred by my GP to our local fertility clinic, and after initial consultation was approved for 3 rounds of IVF on the NHS.

Fast forward 6 months and I was happily injecting myself daily and preparing for egg collection

Once I awoke from collection I was told I had produced 17 eggs (clever me!!) And after they were mixed with my partners sperms I was left with 5 top grade embryos.

This was going to be my time, I just knew it. Maybe my natural pregnancies were not good quality embryos, hence the miscarriages?

I had my 5 day frozen egg transfer, and was actually surprised at how easy the procedure was. I left with hope in my heart and a spring in my step.

5 days later I was looking at a very very faint second line on a pregnancy test. Amazing news!! Around 9 days after that my pregnancy was confirmed by blood hcg and my early scan booked.

Seeing that beautiful little heartbeat at 6 weeks pregnant was incredible,  and I was so excited that I booked a private scan for the week after to see it again. 

At 7 weeks I attended the second scan and while the heart was still beating, it had slowed significantly and baby had not grown.

Was my body failing me once again??

After a week long wait it was confirmed that my baby had died the day after the previous scan.This exact scenario happened on my second round of treatment also.

I dont want you to think that its all doom and gloom, as the one thing that can’t be taken from you is your hope at a better outcome in the future.

Since my ivf losses I have had another 3 natural pregnancies that have also unfortunately ended in miscarriage.

I am currently 7 weeks pregnant and while terrified, I am also hopeful that after years of heartbreak this could be my time. I think if I ever stop believing that, it will be time to stop trying but for now, keep safe in there little nugget, mummy loves you and you WILL be meeting me in March 2021.

If you would like to follow my journey, I am on instagram @chasing_a_rainbow2020



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