When you are a single 43 year old woman desperate to be a mother by Rebecca

I am hoping that my words will help someone – not because I have a solution, but because someone who is feeling the same as me might see that they are not alone

My name is Rebecca. I am 43 and I am really (x10000!!) feeling the strain, because at 43, I know I will need help getting pregnant, and I am not sure how on earth it is going to happen.

Let me tell you why

I am in my forties, I have been told I have a very low AMH and my boyfriend, who was never really that keen on starting a family has now decided that this world is not a world he wants to bring a baby into. There you go – you can see why I am feeling really x1000000 low.

I was listening to your zoom webinar on Wednesday and I heard Dr Braverman talk about doing what is right for you in order to maintain a feeling of staying in control

She spoke about how keeping a journal can help some people – to pour out your emotions out and have a ‘brain dump’. Well, I tried it. My pages were full of scribbled fears and concerns, and lots and lots of anger, and although I still don’t really have an immediate solution to my problem, I feel a tiny bit better than I did before.

Seeing my fears on the pages helped me see that I needed to take control of my crappy situation

After having my brain dump, I jumped straight on to my computer and emailed my concerns over to IVF babble who immediately sent my questions to one of their experts to answer.

The second thing I did, was decide to share some of the things I wrote in my journal here. I thought that there might be someone in a similar position, feeling the same as me, and that my story might offer some reassurance, that there are so many of us in this world feeling the same right now.

So, here I go, I hope you stay with me

I have been with my boyfriend for just 8 months. I had hoped to meet Mr. Right years ago so that we could start building the family I had always dreamed of, but it just never happened.

As soon as I met my boyfriend, Nick, (37) I was desperate to start talking about starting a family, but I didn’t want to scare him off so soon I thought I would start dropping subliminal messages in the hope he would suddenly announce one day “it just feels right – let’s start a family”.  I would invite friends over who had the most adorable well-behaved children so that he could see how blissfully happy they all were. Now, I know this may sound incredibly manipulative, but needs must. Anyway, this was just my way of showing him how life could be.

Just before the world went into lockdown, I braced myself for the conversation

I know we have only been together for 8 months, but with me being 43, I have absolutely no time to waste.  So, I tidied the house, tidied myself, prepared a beautiful meal, then in a far from considered and well thought out sentence, I blurted it out “I want us to have a baby”.

Nick looked at me. “Oh” he said. “Erm, yeah, well, I suppose we could start thinking about it.  “I wasn’t ever really sure I wanted a baby, but it is something we could start talking about”.

In my head, I was screaming “I don’t have time to talk about it! I need you to take me upstairs and get me pregnant now!” Instead, I replied “ok great”, then we both went back to our meal. If we were going to do this then I would need to take careful steps to not blow this.

I got on the phone to my closest girlfriend the next morning and told her “we are going to start trying for a baby!!” The first words that came out of her mouth were not the words I was expecting….”Oh that is amazing. Are your eggs OK then?” I felt so stupid. I did not know the answer.

That same day I booked a ‘fertility mot’ at a clinic in town

I wanted to make sure that despite being 43, everything was still in order. When the results came back, I felt so angry with myself. Why had this not been something I thought about earlier?! Could I have done anything to avoid this?

The test showed that I have a very low AMH, meaning my eggs are not great. This was not part of the plan. This would mean getting pregnant was not going to be easy.

And then things got even worse…..the world caught the coronavirus.

And then things got even worse ….whilst watching the news, with people dying, losing jobs, shut away in lockdown, Nick suddenly announced: “this really isn’t the time to start thinking about bringing a baby into the world”. I felt the ground being ripped from underneath my feet. I felt my future as a mother and wife ripped from my grasp. I felt my world end. I felt my heart shatter. I felt the rage build.

Instead of running upstairs and crying, I ran upstairs, fuelled with rage, and made a decision. I would take control of my own future.

I know one thing for certain in these uncertain times, that I cannot waste any more precious time. I need a plan. I need the future I had dreamed of. I need to be a mother, with or without Nick.

So I wrote to IVF Babble and I have asked about egg donation, egg donation with a sperm donor, and embryo donation.

This really does blow my mind, but I need to know that I have options. I need to know that I can be a mother. The world will get over this epidemic and as whilst we are on lockdown I will explore my options, as a single woman with rubbish eggs, desperately needing to be a mother. I love Nick, but I love the thought of being a mother even more.

If you are in a similar situation, I would love to hear from you. Are you a single woman in your forties who has had egg, sperm, or embryo donation? I would love to hear your story.

Thank you for listening to me.

Rebecca x

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