I am a pretty private person and don’t like to dwell on the negatives, preferring to spend my time focusing on the positives. I have lost people along the way and have always tried to remember the happy memories and I love to see the good
Today, as I sat quietly working away on a train, an image of a sculpture popped up on my phone screen.
Without any warning, tears flowed – from deep inside
All the hurt and anguish I felt when I lost my babies came flooding back. All those moments of emptiness and longing that I didn’t even realise still existed within me poured out.
This image was so powerful to me. So poignant and yet beautiful. For the first time since I experienced my miscarriages have I been able to cry.
For me the first of my miscarriages started in my early 30s when I lost a baby at a few weeks and then a few years later I experienced an ectopic pregnancy too.
On from this I had a suspected five miscarriages.
Incredibly I held onto the faith that one day I would have children
In my 40s I was amazingly blessed with the most incredible twin girls after ten years of trying. They are truly my two little miraculous angels who I love with all my heart.
Just seeing this image made me relive my journey with every ounce of pain I experienced during that time pouring out of me. I had built up a protection to what was happening.
I remember on just a couple of occasions sitting down like this woman is depicted and feeling distraught but not wanting anyone else to see. I had felt connected to that little being inside of me and it was taken away. To dwell on this could destroy me, so I blocked it out.
Protecting others instead of looking after me
I didn’t want anyone else to feel sad around me and so protected them. I guess I also thought I was protecting myself too.
My parents who I loved so deeply were both ill at the time, I had lost a friend to a brain tumour and I wanted to give those I loved so much – everything I had – and so blocked my pain.
This morning as I sat on a train on my way to work I saw this image – and cried like I haven’t ever cried. The pain, remembering how I kneeled and cried, wondering why it had happened and how much I missed that little baby, the thought that my lost angels may have been there with me is so comforting.
For all those who have experienced miscarriages, it’s so important to heal and don’t be afraid to cry
I showed this image to my husband and his words were ‘I thought it didn’t affect you like it did me – I cried alone, we could have cried together, I could have supported you’.
Did internalising these thoughts help me?
At the time I thought they did but feeling how I do today and the powerful impact – I would say share your inner hurt with someone you trust and let it out.
My heart and soul are with all those going through the same feelings and experiences and as we approach Mothers Day – no one other than you can know that pain.
I am here for all of you.
Sending so much love
If you have suffered a miscarriage and would like support and advice contact The Miscarriage Association