I have recently started meditating. Before you yawn and click off this blog let me explain!
I am the girl who always has five things to do at once and feels (or maybe I should say felt) the need to control everything. Amongst the many lessons that this fertility journey has taught me, is that I am really not in control … of anything! I had myself fooled all this time that I was in control of my life, and everything that came or didn’t come into it.
Well, turns out I was so wrong. If I was right, I would have a three year old by now because I would have had a baby right when I decided it was “supposed” to happen. If I was in control, I would have two even! At least a bun in the oven. I tell you all this to really paint the picture that I am not your typical “meditater” (if that’s even a word).
At some point we can either continue to swim against the current, trying to control our path even if everything is routing us in a different direction. For me, giving up the desire to control was a total surrender.
I felt like I was waving the white flag at Mother nature, the universe, source, whatever you want to call it. I was waving the flag to say, “Alright! I get it! I am not in control here! I give up!”
I don’t give up on my dreams, I just have given up on my desire to control how they are achieved.
This left me with a lot of mental time. I had no idea how time consuming being a control freak was until I decided to stop. There is a whole world out there that continues to spin, without me making it happen! So now what? Well … this was when meditation came in. If I am not in control of the actions around me, I am at least responsible for my reactions to what happens right?
My Dad mentioned that prayer was for asking, and meditation was for listening.
So there I was, legs crossed in a position that looked like what I have seen in the few yoga classes I have taken. I wanted to at least look the part, you know- fake it until you make it kind of thing. Then I closed my eyes, took in some deep breaths and waited for magic to happen. I waited for a message, or a sign or something to say, “Michelle, you are doing it right” and really I didn’t get any of that. What I got at first was a plethora of thoughts, my to do list, grocery list and so on. Then, a sense of clarity came over me. I felt at peace, I felt totally ok with my life as it is right now. I felt happy for the things I want and the things I have. I also felt an acceptance I hadn’t felt before. Strange! Accepting my situation entirely and in whole. This made me feel whole and accepted too.
I realize I now sound like a hippy, but I assure you- it’s worth trying yourself. The more I meditate, the more I feel better and better.
I feel it is now inevitable that all things I want are coming to me, I just don’t get to control the timing of it, not that I ever did anyway.
When you meditate, it feels good to first think of your thoughts as clouds coming in and floating by. Let them come and let them go. Let go so you can receive. Find a thought that makes you feel happy, and stay with it as long as you can manage. It can be about anything, for me – it’s cinnamon rolls some days and other days it’s the idea of a sleeping baby on my husband’s chest. Whatever it is, think about that.
A friend of mine once asked me to grab onto something with clenched fists. I told her I couldn’t. “Exactly! You cannot receive anything when you are open to it.”
Meditating has opened me up emotionally, physically and spiritually. It almost feels like a brain-vacation. You get to take a break from the stress of infertility, life and who knows what else and turn inward.
Trust me, if stressing and controlling and worrying brought on babies, I would be ‘octomum’. It doesn’t help. Matter of fact, it actually makes things worse. So why not try something that will not only make you feel better, but also make things actually better!?
Meditate. Just do it. Let your inner hippy child run free with that surrendering white flag you waive.
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